Tag Archives: HUMOR

There’s Always Colbert’s Balls!

Here’s but one more example of how comedians are able to filter things down to the base truth. It’s also an example of just how difficult 50% of America finds it impossible to accept the truth. So Donald, you seem to be faced with one of three decisions; tell the truth, continue to lie, or, there’s always Colbert’s balls.

Notes on Ageing, Volume 147

Our pepper mill broke so we went to a kitchen ware shop in Chillicothe to pickup a new one. Walking towards the door my wife commented on how much she enjoyed wandering around these kinds of places.

A little later I mentioned that if we were twenty years younger I’d like to have the kitchen remodeled with new cabinets, appliances, and the works. We both commented on how neither of us may live long enough to see it finished even if we did start such a project.

Continue reading Notes on Ageing, Volume 147

Muslim

IGNORANCE: A recent CNN poll found that 29% of Americans still obama-magic-carpetbelieve Obama is a Muslim. Some say he’s not Christian because he’s liberal. Some say he makes secret Muslim gestures with his hands. I think he flies around inside the White House on a magic carpet he got by sending in labels from Uncle Ali Baba’s Converted  Humus containers.

Stick Snakes & Grizzlies

Back in the 1960s me and some guys I worked with took a hunting/camping trip into the Sierra Nevada Mountains east of Fresno, CA.

We spent Friday and Saturday nights in a very primitive campground at about 6,000 feet. On the first night we built a nice fire and sat around until pretty late drinking beer and telling lies. None of us had a tent so we slept out in the open with nothing but sleeping bags.

Continue reading Stick Snakes & Grizzlies

I Want My Olympics

My earliest memories of the Olympics is watching news film of Jessie Owens in the 1936 Berlin Olympics. I wasn’t born yet but sometime in my youth I learned about Owens and saw those films.

From there my memories pretty much jump to 1960 and more news footage of Cassius Clay winning the gold metal at the Rome Olympics.

Over my life the Olympics have become bigger, controversial, more inclusive, and more grandiose. Staging a modern Olympics has put more than one nation at the edge of bankruptcy.

There have always been things about TV’s coverage of the Olympics that have bothered me. If you enjoy a more obscure sport you’ll probably not find much attention given to it. That is such in my case since I’m especially fond of bicycle track racing.

Continue reading I Want My Olympics

Notes on Ageing, Volume 132

One of the regular characters of the Bob and Tom radio program was based on the legendary sports caster, Harry Carey. Don’t know what the real Harry Carey was adult diapers like but the B&T version was a gruff sounding lecherous old character that you may not want to baby sit your children or herd your sheep.

In one episode Carey was visited by beautiful young movie star and he was trying to get her to change his adult diaper. She asked if he were incontinent and he replied, “No, just l don’t like getting up.”

I thought of this a couple of days ago when putting on my very first adult diaper. I knew it would happen some day but I’m  pretty happy it’s only temporary and not age related.

Continue reading Notes on Ageing, Volume 132

Time Wasted in Trumpland, Part 1

south park trump banner

Donald Trump just says too much stuff to bother making a comment on each, as it happens. So for a while I’m going to try writing a weekly log or list of the more insane comments that emerge and stink up our atmosphere.

  • In spite of warnings from Constitutional lawyers and powerful military leaders, Trump insist he would be “fine” with trying US citizens in military courts, Guantanamo is high on his list of such. Due process is not as protected under military law and that’s one reason the Bush administration didn’t want Islāmic combatants tried on US soil. By the way, if you don’t know what due process is, you will if it’s denied you.
  • Much to John McCain’s disgust Trump is back on the waterboard kick. Plus much worse.
  • Trump spend a couple of days insisting that Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton were the literal founders of ISIS. He later walked that back half a step and then took a three-quarter step forward.
  • One of Trump’s surrogates,  Katrina Pierson, appeared on a news program and insisted that President Obama had invaded Afghanistan. In spite of the news person’s attempts to set her straight she continued calling it Obama’s War.

Continue reading Time Wasted in Trumpland, Part 1

My Poor Inheritances

Got a call from a cousin over the weekend seeking information about our grandfather’s family. He thinks he has found a distant relative in England and wants to confirm it.

Anyway, it got me thinking about our ancestry so I got to climbing around the limbs of the family tree. One of the things that someone discovered a couple of years ago was the probate of Thomas Chapman’s estate. Thomas died in 1848 and he was my great, great, great-grandfather.

What I recall about Southern economic classes Thomas would have not been a member of the planter class but because he did own land and several slaves he was what my history text called a yeoman farmer. In other words, solidly middle-class.

Continue reading My Poor Inheritances

Notes on Ageing – Vol. 27

One of my teaching colleagues loved telling the story about where tapioca came from. According to him, “It was the stuff dermatologists scraped off the inside of old people’s legs.”

Yeah, I know that’s gross but once you’ve swallowed your vomit it is very funny.

skI’m telling this because today I went to the dermatologists to have some stuffed removed. As I’ve traveled along life’s highway I began getting these little bump like thingies on my back and around my hair-line. They are called seborrheic keratoses and they come with age. Totally benign they are one of the most common tumors found on old people’s bodies.

The dermatologist got out her jug of liquid nitrogen and quick froze several dozen. For a week or so I’m going to have a bunch of red spots on my face and back and then what’s left will flake off and be mailed to the people who make fish food.

Continue reading Notes on Ageing – Vol. 27

Cheerios & Scotch

glenlivetAn acquaintance of mine once said he only eats Cheerios for breakfast. I replied that I like Cheerios but I usually buy the generic versions. His response was, “Oh, I can’t eat those they don’t taste the same.” Yeah, they don’t taste the same but they both taste good. The nutritional and content labels read the same, they both taste good, they are both good for you, and one costs 33% less than the other. I taught consumer finance for several years and remain a firm believer in receiving value for the buck.

Okay, that takes care of the Cheerio part of the title, now let’s talk about the Scotch part. Scotch is a lot like wine, there are the  connoisseurs who make all kinds of snobbish claims and would never admit to drinking and enjoying an inexpensive table wine from an Ohio vineyard.

Continue reading Cheerios & Scotch

Rye Whiskey I Cry!

Someplace way back in my youth I thought I should like rye whisky. It may have had something to do with hearing the cowboy movie star, Tex Ritter, sing, “Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey I cry. If I can’t get rye whiskey I surly will die.”

old overholt labelDoug McLaughlin may have played a part. I have this vague memory of the two of us sitting in his kitchen eating crackers, Swiss cheese, and drinking rye whiskey.

Whey my ship was in the Boston Navy Yards in 1962-63 I remember hanging out at a couple of jazz clubs and drinking Old Overholt over ice.

Rye whiskey is so named because 51% of the grain used is rye. At one time it was the most popular of American whiskeys and even George Washington distilled rye whiskey at Mount Vernon. Sometime following prohibition it lost out to bourbon and almost disappeared from liquor store shelves.

Continue reading Rye Whiskey I Cry!

Helen Philpot; the Voice of Sanity in America

Helen Philpot may be the voice of sane America! Here’s her latest:

“Margaret, I watched that jackass in Cleveland and lost my voice.  I saw a Presidential nominee paint a picture of an America I don’t know and have never known. I tried to respond but I couldn’t find the words. I watched his wife lie to a reporter saying that she had written every word of her speech.  When she hadn’t, I watched the media say it wasn’t her fault. I tried to respond but couldn’t find the words.  I listened to children who Margret_and_Helen_on_the_ship_400x400have known only life’s riches praise a father who had made his riches by cheating others.  I tried to respond but I couldn’t find the words.  I watched an audience shout down a Senator when he told them to vote their conscience.  I tried to respond but I couldn’t find the words.  I watched amazed as Trump got more popular rather than less and truly I couldn’t find the words.   But last night, I watched a battle-worn President who had been unjustly treated and unfairly maligned rise above it all.  I watched Barack Obama, my President, paint a different picture, a beautiful picture of hope, kindness, forgiveness and humility.  And now I am going to respond because I have indeed found my words.  Screw you, Mr. Trump.  You better give your heart to Jesus because your butt is mine and I plan to kick your ass from the bottom floor to the top floor of Trump Tower and then down again.   As I live and breathe, you will never be President.  Never.

I have always said that even when I watch my P’s and Q’s, I can still spell bullshit.  Eight years ago, Sarah Palin walked onto the world stage and American politics hit a new low.   I saw a bitch and I called her a bitch.  She spewed hatred, fear and ignorance better than any hillbilly I had ever known. I have no regrets for calling her a bitch.  Palin was a joke.  Trump, however, is no joke.  He is the real deal.  He is the bitch to rule all bitches.   Trump has an ego the size of my ass (and trust me when I tell you that is one yuuuuuuuuge ass).  Everything he does is for selfish reasons, fueled by greed and motivated by power.

Salty language and a strong opinion don’t bother me.  Saying what’s on your mind is usually a good thing.  Usually.  But what’s on Trumps mind isn’t fit for human consumption. It’s just hatred, fear and plain old racism.  He put together a carnival in Cleveland to make the case that America has become a horrible place that no longer has time for political correctness.  But I am here to tell you that speaking your mind and being politically correct are not mutually exclusive.  Political correctness is having the emotional intelligence and decency not to use language, evoke images or take actions that marginalize, offend or otherwise insult people who are socially disadvantaged or discriminated against.  Kind of sounds like something Jesus would support if you ask me.

The America he described is not the America I know.  In fact, it’s not the America anyone knows.  The rest of us know an America of hard-working, compassionate people who no longer have time to hate and who don’t aspire to harass and humiliate their fellow countrymen.  The America we know wants to end poverty, end war, educate our children and take care of our elderly. We welcome diversity because we are and always have been the world’s great melting pot. Our America has been and always will be great.  Trump sees America as some ugly girl just waiting for him to take her to the prom.  It’s bullshit and we all know it.

Trump takes offense that President Obama and Secretary Clinton don’t use the expression Extreme Islamic Terrorist,  suggesting, I guess, that all Islamic people are terrorist but some are just more extreme.  Funny.  Whenever another old, white man blows up an abortion clinic, I don’t hear anyone calling him an Extreme Christian Terrorist.  Why?  Because you don’t attribute the bad actions of a few Christians to the entire Christian faith any more than you should attribute terrorism to the entire religion of Islam.  You don’t, of course, unless you are trying to stir up a bunch of ignorant mouth breathers that have been drawn to the talk radio/Fox News/Sarah Palin/Michelle Bachman brand of Republicanism that is today’s Republican base. Trump’s America seems to be one filled with roaming bands of brown gypsies raping and pillaging at will.  I guess the view from Trump Towers is somewhat skewed when you watch Fox News and listen to talk radio all day.  To him, there is evil in anyone who doesn’t bow to his perceived greatness.

Trump is partly right.  Evil is indeed alive and well in America.   It’s just not as widespread as he would like to scare us into believing.   It seems to be alive and well in about 4% of the population –  roughly equal to the number of votes cast for Trump during the primaries.   Coincidence?  I think not.   And funny enough, the worst of them all decided to travel to Cleveland last week.

Donald.  You sir are no Reagan. You are no Kennedy. No Clinton. You are no Obama.  You aren’t even a Bush. You are a self-aggrandizing, hatred-spewing, lying sack of shit.  And yes, I realize that my name- calling is just as bad as yours.  But I am not running for President.  You are.   So be a man and act like it.  Sadly, I sincerely doubt you can.

The Republican Party, the party that likes to think it has a monopoly on god, family values and patriotism, owes America an enormous apology.  Palin was bad enough, but Trump is inexcusable.  I mean it.  Really.”

I’m a Liar!

Recently I posted a blog comparing the truth factors of Trump v Hillary. Later that day I read an article in the New Republic about Trump not being a liar but something worse, a bullshitter.

liar liarAccording to the author a bullshitter is someone who has no basis of knowledge in what they are talking about. They’re just making stuff up as they roll along. A liar is someone who knows what they’re talking about, knows the truth, but chooses to tell the story differently.

I’ve always thought I was a bullshitter but now I realize that I’m a liar. I love telling stories and I usually know what I’m talking about. Frequently however, for the sake of making the story better, I will exaggerate or embellish. According to the New Republic that makes me a liar.

I just wish the definitions were reversed. I’d rather be called a bullshitter than a liar.

Click HERE for the New Republic article.

Talk, Talk, Talk!

Just noticed a Facebook friend say they were tired of all this political talk. Others agreed and implied they wished we all would just keep our opinions to ourselves and vote in silence. Well that’s not going to god and beerhappen, it’s never happened, and as long as people breathe free, it won’t happen. Mankind will never tire of talking sports, religion, politics, and the weather.

Speaking of religion. Do you think it’s possible that God gave man beer just to help get the conversation started?