Tag Archives: HUMOR

Recent Random Ramblings

  • Trump is the first occupant of the White House who has been given carte blanche to make shit up while providing zero evidence.
  • It’s been said that Trump Tweets while sitting on the toilet each morning. I’m thinking his most angry, ridiculous, and outrageous Tweets come from those times when he is the most constipated.
  • If Obama did tap Trump’s phones it suggest a federal judge saw sufficient evidence of wrongdoing to justify a warrant.
  • In one February Ohio week we had the highest temperature ever recorded, followed by plummeting temperatures and spitting snow, and finishing up with a tornado that left a 7-mile track through Highland County.
  • Old Chinese proverb, “Be wary of autocratic rulers with goofy fucking haircuts.”

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More Random Thoughts

Being a political junkie and having Trump in the White House makes it almost impossible to have a random thought that is not political. Consider this a warning.

  • I just spent four hours shredding documents in what is supposed to be a paperless society.
  • I’m becoming paranoid about Trump being paranoid.
  • Since January 20, 2017 I’ve had a solid reason to get out of bed and turn on the TV. Unfortunately I’m getting to be a historical eyewitness to the Trump directed meltdown of America.
  • The older you get the less you are aware of popular culture. Driving past a multiplex I didn’t recognize a single movie title on their bill board.
  • I’ve often wondered what should be the measure of having too much money. Possibly it’s being able to afford to rent a rocket to take you beyond the moon and back.
  • All presidents should stop using war widows and victims of violence as political props in their speeches.
  • Politicians need to immediately stop putting party before people. They should begin and end any legislative thought by asking if the consequences honestly serve the betterment of the general population.

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Stars to the Rescue!

Many Americans and citizens of other nations are worried about the coming of Trump. I’ve given this some thought and concluded that nothing can be done to totally shield us from the harm that precedes the arrival of this so ill prepared politician. All we can do is work on what we can to lessen the damage he is capable of.

The one solution I’ve arrived at is to distract and keep him distracted. We all know is his Achilles heel is his ego and how difficult it is for him to manage that ego when it’s been challenged. To date, anyone who has insulted him has ended up being counter attacked in the next day’s Twitter cycle. At the recent Golden Globe Awards Meryl Streep laid into him pretty hard about some of the things he did during the election. Next morning we were treated with a streak of anti Streep tweets from Trump’s Twitter Tower, (Please notice the wordplay!).

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Damn, That’s Not Toothpaste!

Saw a meme on Facebook that brought back a couple of incidents. The meme showed two tubes sitting on a bathroom sink. One was a tube of Colgate toothpaste and the other a tube of Cortizone cream. I shouldn’t have to tell you what had happened but if I do I’ll do it this way.

Years ago I walked into the bathroom, grabbed my toothbrush, reached in the vanity drawer for my tube of toothpaste, put some on my brush, and began to clean the morning scum off my choppers. Instantly I was aware that something was wrong. Instead of toothpaste I was brushing with Preparation H.

My Aunt Kate was in the habit of keeping most of her medicines on the top shelf of her refrigerator. She had some sort of nasal congestion and would occasionally go to the fridge, grab a spray bottle of decongestant, and spritz her nose. She did this on one occasions and instantly realized her nasal passages were entirely slammed shut.

Instead of decongestant spray she had grabbed the spray can of denture adhesive and filled her nose with glue.

Now, haven’t we all done something similar. Feel free to share your experiences.

Heaven & Hell Revisited

Today I had lunch with two of my closest high school friends. All three of us are seventy-four years old, in pretty good health, and can mentally hold our own. The main differences between today and back then is we are all more gnarly and we move slower. Anyway, when we were saying goodbye one of us suggested we have lunch again, “before one of us dies!” For whatever reason the following story I wrote in 2004 came to mind so I decided to republish it. Enjoy!

A Few Thoughts On Heaven and Hell
Published June, 2004

As of this month, I am officially an old person. I recently turned age 62, filed for Social Security and within days should receive my first Social Security check. So, now that I’m old I’ve decided to spend a little time thinking about heaven and hell: since that’s what old people seem to do a lot.

We all know about the heaven and hell of the Bible but there are lots of others, especially hells, of a more worldly nature. For example, General William Tecumseh Sherman once uttered something about war being hell while General George Patton felt that war glorified the best in humanity.

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What Went Right

You all know how pissed I am about Trump winning the oval office. While I’ll never be able to make lemonade out of that turd I am assembling a list of things that did go the right way.

  • After six terms of making life miserable for Latinos, the voters have finally taken Joe Apraio’s badge away. The icing on this cupcake of shit would be to see him locked up and wearing pink Fruit of the Looms.
  • A few more women are headed for Washington to take their places in the US Congress.
  • While I’m not a user I’m glad to see that stoners continue to make progress. It may be just a matter of time before I have to buy me a bong and take up the Devil’s herb just to numb just knowing there’s a Trump in the White House.
  • I’ve not been a consumer of porn for several decades. Not since learning just how deep Linda Lovelace’s throat was. But, for those who are I’m glad that California voters approved a bill banning the requirement that porn actors wear condoms during sexual activities.

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Damn Brother…

This came out of a living room conversation last week. It’s an old joke that remains funny to this day.

There’s a revival meeting going on at a local Pentecostal church and the evangelists is at the pulpit encouraging everyone to come forward and confess to their sins. His message is nothing is too bad in the eyes of the Lord and there is no limit to what the Lord will forgive.

After many of people had confessed and been forgiven an old man in the back raises his hand and is encouraged to confess to his sin. The man begins telling a story about how he’d been out fishing and in the spur of the moment decided to have sex with a nearby goat.

The man reported every last detail of the incident expecting the preacher and the congregation to praise him and openly welcome him into the fold.

Instead, the minister sternly and scornfully looked down at the man and said, “Damn brother, I don’t think I’d a told that!”

Every time something new comes out about Trump’s sexual behaviors I expect the public to say, “Damn Donald, I don’t think you should have done that!”

Instead we typically get silence or some reason to absolve him of his behavior. I’ve never witnessed this sort of response towards a person seeking the highest office in the land.

I gotta wonder if Trump could screw the goat and unlike the old man in the story, the minister would tell the congregation pat him on the back, shake his tiny hand, and to give him a big ole’ atta-boy!

Why Tuesdays?

The law in the United States says that nation elections will be held on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in the month of November. Ever wonder why?

Well it’s not in the Constitution  but it can be found in an 1845 law that established Tuesdays because it didn’t interfere with the Sabbath or market day, which was traditionally Wednesday.

So if you have a problem with Tuesdays blame it on Christian farmers having too much power.

Ironically John Oliver, who is British, explained this on his Sabbath night HBO program, Last Week Tonight.

Suits

HISTORY: I’ve scrolled back through my mental record of lawsuits-for-dummiespresidential elections and cannot recall any previous example of a presidential candidate making his intent to file slander suits against eleven women who charged him with sexual aggression, a part of a major policy address.

But It’s My Duck

“Woman takes her pet duck on flights for emotional support.” I came across this headline in a recent news feed and it reminded me of a story I read in a 1960s Texas newspaper.  A friend and I had stopped for breakfast and I was reading the front page of the local newspaper.

The lead story was about a man who had been arrested for “bestiality.” He had been caught engaging in some sort of carnal relationship with a duck in the city’s park. His case had come to trial and the charges had to be dismissed since the city had no ordinance against f*@king a duck.

Having failed with that the city’s solicitor filed charges of improper use of city property. Those charges too had to be dropped when it was learned that it was the man’s own duck and that he often took his duck to the park for a breath of fresh air.

Notes On Ageing – Volume 78

I’ve heard that life is a series of hurdles. While there may be truth in that it is also a series of probes and pokes and as you age the frequency of probes and pokes increases. Someone is always wanting to put something someplace.

I don’t know how old I was when a doctor first suggested I allow him to stick a finger in my anus but it wasn’t too long after that instead of a finger it was a 6′ colonoscopy tube.

Continue reading Notes On Ageing – Volume 78

A Few of the Deplorable

Some of you may have seen this on The Daily Show of September 20, 2016. I couldn’t find it online so I recorded it off TV with my camera. Anyway, all I can say is here are several examples of Trump supporters who are deplorably ignorant. And that’s being kind.