I Know Where The Beef Is, Where’s The Fruitcake?

I’m not going to play the Bill Clinton card and say I didn’t inhale or not “have sexual relations with that woman.” I’m not going to pull a Senator Larry Craig and claim the problem in that airport restroom was because my stance is too wide. What I am going to do is come out of the fruitcake closet and openly admit I’m one of those people who loves fruitcake and thinks Christmas just isn’t Christmas without a good fruitcake in the house to nibble on.

But here’s the deal, this year I have not been successful in finding a good fruitcake. In fact, the only fruitcake I’ve located and purchased is one of the worse I’ve ever had. It’s the kind of fruitcake that has helped ruin the reputation of, and therefore the demand for, fruitcake.

Also to blame are all those damned comedians who have built stand up careers telling jokes about fruitcake along with the reality shows that depict do-it-yourselfers building catapults, trebochets and air canons to chunk fruitcake across hay fields into the windshields of junk automobiles. 

On several occasions I’ve ordered high dollar fruitcake made by cloistered monks who protect centuries old recipes and live in tiny stone unheated cells and live off boiled Irish oats paid for by profits from selling their cakes.

I didn’t think to place my order early enough this year so I went searching for a fruitcake locally. I went to every supermarket in the area except Wal-Mart, who, along with Lowe’s, I’m currently trying to boycott, without success. I decided my last chance would be Kroger’s so yesterday, while in Hillsboro, I stopped at Kroger’s and asked about fruitcake. They had two, both the same manufacture. Not the ring-shaped round fruitcake in the tin container, loaded with candied fruits, nuts, soaked in brandy or rum, and topped with pecans, I had my heart set on. Just a stupid little $5.98 rectangle that had nothing going for it except it said fruitcake on the label. As already mentioned it isn’t a good tasting fruitcake but I’m going to eat the damned thing and pretend I’m having a great and complete Christmas. On the positive side, my fruitcake was “Made in America.”

Ho, ho, ho!

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3 thoughts on “I Know Where The Beef Is, Where’s The Fruitcake?”

  1. The first encounter I ever had with fruitcake was with the “toss it at your enemies head” kind. I had no inspiration at all to ever try it again. My husband always said his mom makes the best you will ever try. So….I tried it, and it was not tossed at anything especially my enemy because it was DELICIOUS . It’s like out of a freakin’ gourmet bakery, if such thing exists. My baking skills are sub-par but with her recipe I can bake fruitcake like a pro! If you want the recipe just let me know!- Samantha Farkas

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